Until the mask falls off
by Fantony
Summary: Tohma Seguchi's life is all about masks and illusions and his whole universe gravitates toward Eiri... Here's the key to his thoughts... One-sided Eiri x Tohma / Eiri x shuichi
1. Chapter 1

_**Plot (chapter 1): **Tohma Seguchi comes back home late from work and as he watches his wife sleep, his thoughts wander to Eiri... I've wanted to do a Tohma's POV for quite a while, so that's about it! One-sided Eiri x Tohma _

_**Disclaimer**: I (unfortunately!) do not own any Gravitation characters! I'm already happy with my Kumagoro plush toy! :-D_

_Please bear in mind that I'm French, therefore, my English is far from perfect and I do apologize for the mistakes I surely make now and then!!_

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**UNTIL THE MASK FALLS OFF**

Three o'clock in the morning. I silently make my way to the bedroom, put on my pyjamas and slide into the warm double-bed, trying not to wake her. Same ritual nearly every night. Damn those endless business dinners!

She lets out a little groan when I selfishly put my cold feet against her legs. Mika-san… When I look at her, I see _him_. When she says harsh things to me, I hear _him_. I married her because she reminds me of _him_. I married her to make sure the connection I had with _him_ would never be broken. I settle for the brother-in-law status because no matter how hard I try, I will never get the lover one. She's got my affection. _He_'s got my love.

Isn't it such an awful thing to say? There isn't a single day in my life I don't hate myself for that, such as I've been hating myself for so many years for what happened to _him_ in New-York.

I watch her sleep, her body moving slowly up and down to her breath rhythm. I would be a bastard to hurt her, but I can't help thinking _he_ would have just one word to say and I'd leave her. I must be insane, but who cares? Maybe she's not really in love with me either, after all. Outside the house, she shows evident signs of jealousy and possessiveness, inside, we are more like simple flatmates. Normal couples do things together. They share passions. I tried hard to think about what we had in common, and yet all I could come out with was the devotion we had to _him_. _He_ is the one topic we could talk about endlessly, _he_ is the one we always worry about, _he_ is the one we want to seek attention from, _he_ is the one we want to protect, _he_ is the centre of our universe, only he doesn't give a fuck.

Tonight has been just as boring as ever. People I barely know smiling at me and acting as if I were the eighth marvel of the world and I, hypocritically smiling back at them and pretending to enjoy myself. Masks and illusions. Would they be the same with me if I was just Tohma instead of being Tohma Seguchi, president of N-G Records and Nittle Grasper member? Would they say such nice things to me if they didn't expect anything in return? I really doubt that. _He_ hardly smiles at me, _he_ never tries to please me, but at least I know _he_ is honest to me and that makes every little attention _he_ has for me more valuable than the most precious treasure on Earth. Whenever _he_ looks at me with less hatred than usual in _his_ eyes, whenever _he_ calls me by my first name, whenever _he_ allows me to comfort him, I would feel alive and tell myself there's at least one reason for me to stay in this world.

What is _he_ doing right now? Sleeping? Working on his last novel? Having fun with _his_ play-toy? Damn. I should not talk like that. This is just me being upset and jealous here. I tried hard to convince myself that Mister Shindo was not more than that to _him_. I even secretly hoped _he_ was doing all that just to annoy me, it would have meant that _he_ cared at least a little about the way I feel. But I have to face the facts, even if it hurts. _He_'s in love with Shuichi. Not me. _He_ even admitted it on TV. "We're not friends, we're lovers". Those words echo in my head. My heart split in two when I heard them and I spent a whole night crying silently in bed, next to Mika, blaming her brother for making such a mess of my life.

When she asked me why I had sore eyes and red nose that morning, I told her I had got a cold and she felt sorry for me. She does not know a thing about me. Her husband. Who really does apart from _him _anyway? People think I'm Mr Perfect. People think I'm happy and even envy me. If only they knew… But I never give myself away, I never allow my mask to fall off. My whole life is a lie and I am the actor of some bad play. I have performed it so many times that I am now exhausted. Only _him_ knows my true self. Only _him_ knows how tormented I am. But _he_ just ignores it. I try my best to hide my tears from _him_. I try my best to keep smiling even if my heart is bleeding inside. But _he_ knows. I tried to hate _him_ for that but failed. I'd rather have _him_ ignoring my feelings on purpose than saying openly _he_ hates me and getting me out of _his_ life.

I gave up interfering in _his_ relationship with Shuichi. I know by now I will never succeed in getting that kid out of _his_ life. It would only end up with _him_ hating me anyway, and I would rather die than being the one to allow that. It's just it breaks my heart that the kid has succeeded with no effort where I have always failed. He has put back love into _Eiri_'s heart and I had hoped for such a thing to happen for more than six odd years. And even if those weak smiles and sweet expressions on _his_ face are not for me, I will always be grateful to Shuichi for that. Because if _Eiri_ is happy, I am happy too. Somehow… Until the mask falls off…

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_Thanks for reading!_


	2. Chapter 2

Huge and empty office. Lost in my thoughts. My phone ringtone makes me come back to my senses.

"Mister Seguchi? Mister Eiri Yuki on line. Shall I take the message?"

"No!"

She's surprised by the sharp tone of my voice, and I must admit I nearly am too. I take a deep breath.

"Hello?"

My heart is pounding in my chest.

"Hi. This is me." Eiri's voice says at the other end of the line. As if I didn't know who it was… "Am I disturbing you?"

"No, I'm doing nothing particular right now"

Even if I was in the middle of some very important meeting, I would stop anything for _him_.

"Gee! Seguchi! You're one of the best-paid men of this country and you're doing nothing but sitting at your desk? I'd be ashamed if I were you!"

Typically Eiri. I laugh. I got used to _his_ teasing a long time ago now, and I learnt not to be upset by each one of _his_ unpleasant remarks.

"How can I help you, Eiri-san?" I ask in the most possible pleasant tone ever, to make _him_ realize _his_ little critic hasn't affected me at all.

"So that's it. Now I need a particular reason to call my brother-in-law?"

_He_ only calls me when something's wrong and _he_ needs advice or comfort. But at least that shows _he_ needs me, not in the way I would like _him_ to need me, but still. It reminds me of school, when people I was in love with would always choose me as their best friend and confident rather than as their lover, but I was already so glad they even talked to me that I wouldn't complain about anything.

"You won't make me believe you called me just for the sake of having a little chat with me, Eiri-san"

"Hmm… Know me by heart, don't you?" _He_ mumbles.

I take it as a compliment in disguise, although I know this isn't one.

"Let me have a guess" I pause. "Mister Shindo, isn't it?"

I hear _him_ hold out a long breath. And I hold one too.

"What happened this time?" I ask, trying to hide my annoyance.

"He was talking too much when I was trying to finish some work. Deadline, you know? I got pissed off, told him some very harsh things like I hated him, and kicked him out of the place. As the stubborn little brat he is, he usually doesn't give up so easily and tries to stay, but this time, he just cried and went away… Said that no matter how much he loved me, I had pushed him too far and gone beyond the bounds, and that he couldn't stand anymore being hurt all the time. It was yesterday evening. I don't know where he spent the night, and he's still nowhere to be seen. I even called his family and friends, even that damned Sakuma, but no one seems to know where he is…"

"That'll be ok, Eiri-san. Mister Shindo can't be that far. I'm sure he'll be back home tonight. He must be sulking somewhere and wants to make you understand you have to treat him better if you don't want to lose him"

Silence falls after that, and is then broken by sobs. I gasp. Eiri-san, crying? Haven't seen him do so in six years. My heart burns with jealousy. Eiri hadn't shown any expression anymore since what happened in New-York: no joy, no pain. Or at least, _he_ would always try _his_ best not to show them. And yet that pink haired guy comes into _his_ life, and _he_ laughs, and cries again. _He_ never cried for me. _He_ never gets worried about me. I clench my teeth and swallow back my bitterness.

"Tohma… What if he never comes back?" he asks, crying his eyes out.

I feel like crying too.

"I assure you it won't happen, Eiri-san. Please, don't cry and stay where you are. I'm coming"

"No, it's ok. I can stay on my own…"

"Shhh…" I interrupt him and hang up the phone.

While making my way to the car, my mobile phone rings. Tatsuha-san. The kid's with him. I don't know whether to feel relieved or angry about that. I finally decide relief is a safer option as all I want in the end is Eiri's happiness, even if _he_ doesn't get it from me. I don't even take time to ask Tatsuha what he was doing in Tokyo or how is it the kid's with him. All I care about is that Shuichi is safe. I ask what their hostel's name is and give directions to my chauffeur. We find the kid waiting alone in front of the hostel. He steps into the car and sits next to me.

"Seguchi-san… Thank you… I…"

"No need to thank me, I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for Eiri-san"

His mouth drops open and he stares at me with a concern look on his face. I suddenly feel a bit guilty. He doesn't deserve this. He's actually a kind and interesting young man, and it's not fair to blame him for loving Eiri and being loved in return. I smile at him and decide to change the subject.

"Isn't Tatsuha-san coming with us?" I ask.

His features relax a bit.

"Oh… no… He's afraid of Yuki's reaction."

"Fair enough. Then we'd better hurry up. I told Eiri-san I was coming to his place, he's been worrying like hell about you, and I haven't taken time to call him back and tell him you were okay"

"..me?" he repeats to himself slowly, a dumb look on his face and then comes back to his senses. "Oh that's awful! I feel so bad! I didn't want to cause him any trouble. In fact, I went away mostly because I didn't want to annoy him anymore. Looks like I've just ended making the contrary happen…"

He sighs and I listen to him absently when he explains how desperate he was yesterday evening, how he called Tatsuha for a piece of advice, how that latter told him he was actually going out in Tokyo, how he asked him to join him in a bar and how they ended spending the night in a hostel, doing nothing but talking about Eiri and Ryuichi all night.

The car stops in front of Eiri's building and we both get out of it.

"You stay here," I instruct him, "I think it's better that I talk to Eiri-san first"

That may sound awful, but I just love it when Eiri feels bad and counts on me to comfort him. And this boy is not going to deprive me of my little privileged moment with the man I love. No way!

A moment later, I knock at _his_ door.

"Come in" I hear _him_ mumble.

I enter the place. _He_ is sitting on the sofa, a glass of whisky in hand and a cigarette at _his_ mouth. Two of _his_ really bad habits. _He_'s got huge rings under _his_ eyes and looks miserable. I notice the bottle on the coffee table is half empty. _His_ white shirt is unbuttoned and I have to make huge efforts not to stare at _his_ perfect bare chest. I blame _him_ for being so sexy.

"Could have entered without knocking, you know? Why you always are so polite is beyond me, Tohma"

I walked toward _him_ and kneeled at his side, placing my hands on _his_ lap and smiling at _him_. "Good morning, Eiri-san". He glares at me and pushes my hands away.

"You're late but thanks for coming anyway" he says, not even looking at me.

I smile.

"My pleasure, Eiri-kun"

I stand up and push a lock of blonde hair away from _his_ beautiful eyes.

"You're not being reasonable" I tell _him_ with fondness.

"What is it?" _he_ asks, furrowing _his_ brow.

"That" I reply, taking _his_ glass of whisky and his cigarette away from _him_. "It's not even ten in the morning and you're doing this already…"

I drowned the cigarette into what was left of _his_ whisky.

"Hey, what the hell do you think you are doing?" _he_ snaps at me with fury in _his_ eyes.

I grin.

"Your own good".

He shrugs.

"Bullshit!"

"I'll make you some tea instead"

I make my way to the kitchen and start preparing oolong tea. I open the closet and reach for a mug. My heart stops beating when I take a glance at the one I was about to grab. Shuichi's one. I have a lump in my throat. Even if he wasn't there right now, he was everywhere. I still can't believe Eiri lets him do that after such a little time. I've been trying for years to take part of _his_ daily life's landscape but always failed.

I take a deep breath and come back to the living-room, giving him the cup of tea.

"Here" I say, "drink, but beware, it's very hot"

_He_ grabs the cup with both his hands.

"I'd rather have a coffee, but thanks," _he_ says, glaring at the golden liquid. "Why are you always so kind to me, Tohma?"

I stiffened. Is it provocation or stupidity?

Coming from _him_, provocation, definitely. But I won't let _him _torture me. I won't do _him_ that pleasure. _He_ knows perfectly well why I am so kind with _him_. So I decide to ignore the question.

"Shindo-san is safe" I finally let out.

_His_ eyes bulge with surprise and _he_ nearly spits out his tea. End of the privileged moment.

"How do you know?" _he_ whispers.

"Tatsuha-san called me"

I tell _him_ the whole story, only I don't mention the fact Shuichi's waiting outside.

"Wha…?!! You mean I worried like hell while he was just spending the night with that stupid brother of me?! Tatsuha! That bastard! Would have it hurt him to give me a call? Has he got no respect for me, his older brother?! Where is he? I'm gonna kick the hell out of him!! And Shuichi's a bastard too! I just can't believe he just threw himself into my brother's arms!!"

He may be pretty good at hiding his feelings –still not good as me, though- , this time, his jealousy was undeniable. And I myself feel jealous of the young man provoking such feelings in _him_.

"Here here, Eiri, you've got nothing to fear," I try to calm _him_ down.

"Nothing to fear??!! Shall I remind you that they once kissed on TV when that damn brat mistook Tatsuha for me during that bloody cooking TV show? Not to mention my brother's insane obsession with Sakuma and how he forces his unresolved sexual tension upon MY lover because he thinks he resembles that stupid friend of yours?"

_HIS_ lover… An invisible hand crushes my heart inside my chest. _Lover_… Alright, I surrender. I sigh and make my way to the window.

"Have a look," I say, pushing the curtain away.

Eiri comes by my side and his eyes widen when he looks down through the window. Shuichi is sitting on the car's bonnet, his arms around his knees, staring into space. Eiri frowns.

"He kept on saying he didn't want to hurt you and was sorry for having made you worry. I guess he was somehow pleased you'd gotten anxious though. Anyway, should he be the one to be sorry? Aren't you the one who's been harsh to him in the first place and said he hated him?"

I'm standing up for the kid now, it's getting better and better. I roll my eyes but _he_ doesn't notice.

"That boy really loves you, you know?"

_He_ stiffens at those words and the corner of _his_ mouth twitches.

"He's able to see your true self behind the shell you've built for yourself, Eiri-kun." I add. "Very few people can"

And I'm one of them. I sigh again. I've just dig my own grave and pushed _him_ straight back into his little lover's arms. I must be masochistic somehow…

_He_ looks at Shuichi with fondness before turning to me, a slight but absolutely gorgeous smile on _his_ face that leaves me momentarily speechless, even if I know that once again, I'm not the one who causes it.

"Thank you, Tohma," _he_ says with the sweetest tone _he_'s ever used with me and places a light kiss on my cheek which makes me melt away. "Thank you for opening my blind eyes"

I think I could die just right now. I hold out my breath and my face must be redder than a tomato.

_His_ smile widens a little.

"I'm gonna fix some mistakes, now"

I watch _him_ walk away, my heart still beating fast. A minute later, _he_'s at the foot of the building. I can see the word "Shuichi" forming on _his_ lips and the kid winces at his name and stands up. He tries to say something, probably among the lines of being sorry and everything, but Eiri shuts him up by placing a hand on his mouth. _He_ then makes the kid come closer to _him_ and puts an arm around the younger man's shoulders. With _his_ other hand, _he_ lifts Shuichi's chin up and kissed him deeply on the mouth. When they finally parted away, I can read the words "I'm sorry" on Eiri's lips.

I realize I have been crying while watching this scene. I wipe my tears away when I think about that light kiss on my cheek again. Those few seconds of happiness were worth all that pain, even if they actually were happiness' illusions. I don't mind, it suffices me. Masks and illusions… That's what my life is all about.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Note:** I had considered abandoning this fanfiction, because Tohma hasn't got many fans (he can definetly counts me among them though!!) but the few reviews encouraged me to write a bit more, and I'll probably write even more (chapters will be small scenes of Tohma's life) although Tohma's got such a complex personality it is realy difficult to write from his point of view! So i do apologize if I fail doing this!_

_**Plot (chapter 3): **Tohma Seguchi is at the edge of NG Records building. Just a little step forward and it's all over... One-sided Eiri x Tohma _

_**Disclaimer**: I (unfortunately!) do not own any Gravitation characters! I'm already happy with my Kumagoro plush toy! :-D_

_Please bear in mind that I'm French, therefore, my English is far from perfect and I do apologize for the mistakes I surely make now and then!!_

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**UNTIL THE MASK FALLS OFF - Chapter 3**

The night view is really beautiful from the top of NG Records building. Beautiful and quiet. You're too high to hear distinctly the busy noises of the town and you're away from the craziness going on inside the walls. Meetings, business phone calls… Pressure… And the same old hypocrites who only care about me because I'm the official president of that loony bin.

Today has been just like any other day and the night has fallen without any change in my heart. The million fireflies of the city lights make me feel dizzy. I close my eyes and sigh. A chilly wind is blowing and caressing my hair. Just a little step forward and that indescribable pain that's been eating my heart for years will go away. Just a little step forward and it's all over. My whole body trembles. I take a deep breath and open my eyes.

"I wouldn't look down if I were you"

I wince and fall backwards but strong arms have already wrapped themselves around my waist and picked me safely. _He_ loosens _his_ embrace and I turn around to meet _his_ golden eyes.

"Eiri-san, what are you doing here?" I say, panting.

"Preventing you from doing stupid things, I suppose"

I blush. That voice. Deep. Sexy. It is like a pleasant melody and I am delighted at every single syllable.

"Sakano called me and told me you'd spent the day locked in your office and hadn't replied to any phone call. What is it, Tohma?"

_Could __it be that he was worried about me? Eiri-san..._

"Nothing. I just needed to take a break" I say, softly.

"At the top of a building, with a foot in the void?" _He_ sneers.

I gulp. Eiri is about ten years younger than me, but right now, I feel like a little boy being told off. Though I witnessed some rare moments during which _he_ gave himself away, _he_ always seems so strong and so confident, that I often forget how young _he_ is. _He_ still had a baby face when he was sixteen, but _his_ features now wear the weight of his dark past.

"Would you have done it?" _he_ asks, narrowing _his_ eyes.

I shrug.

"I don't know"

And I really don't know. The mask has become so heavy to wear now.

"Aren't you happy with my sister?"

I gasp and look away with embarrassment. _He_ perfectly knows why I married her in the first place.

"I know there's never been true love between the two of you, but I thought you were doing pretty well together. Mika even told me you were talking about having a baby last time I met her."

She's the one who talks about having a baby, and I'm the one who always avoids the subject. I only talk about _him_.

"Why, Eiri? Why does it hurt so much to be in love with someone who doesn't share the same feelings?" I ask, eyes filling with tears.

_He_ knows I'm talking about _him_, but _he_ just pretends _he_ doesn't. Highly sensitive area.

"Love is a complicated thing," _he_ whispers.

I put my hands on _his_ shoulders and stand on tip-toe to look at _him_ straight in the eye. My heart is pounding in my chest, and my lips dangerously approach _his_. I can feel _his_ breathe against my frozen face. I can't resist. No time for second thoughts. I press my lips against _his_ mouth with all my love and all my despair. _He_ doesn't move an inch, but at least _he_ doesn't push me away either. I cup _his_ face with my gloved hands and kiss _him_ more deeply. _His_ lips finally part, allowing our tongues to meet. The kiss is both sweet and wild and it sends electric discharges all over my body. I know that for _him_, it's nothing more than a kiss. Lust, at best. Pity, at worst. But not love. I bite his lower lip softly and take a step back.

"You know to whom I belong, Tohma, don't you?"

I nod and try to chase away the images of the young pink-haired singer floating around me.

"I love him, and there's nothing you can do against that," _he_ goes on.

Stab in the heart. Tears run down my cheeks.

_He_ sighs when _he_ notices them but this sigh is not like _his_ usual exasperation ones, this one is different. I feel sadness and maybe even guilt in it. But then again, maybe I only imagine this.

_He_ wipes my tears away with the back of _his_ hand and the soft contact of _his_ skin against my cheeks would be enough to make me lose my mind again.

"I shouldn't have let this happen. This is not fair. To Shuichi. To Mika" _He_ pauses. "To you"

"It's not you, it's me" _What a banality!_ "Maybe you shouldn't have stopped me, after all…"

"Don't be silly, I would have missed you if you had jumped, Tohma. Never do that again, you stupid git" _He_ says, _his_ lips curling into a slight smile.

My eyes widen and I open my mouth to speak, but _he_ wraps _his_ arms around me, forcing me to lean my head against _his_ chest. _He_ holds me tightly and rests _his_ chin on the top of my head. The world may as well tumble right now, I wouldn't care. I feel like I am in a warm and inflatable bubble and I want that moment to last forever. Love's illusions…

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_Thanks for reading!! _

_And NO, Eiri is not a cruel and heartless person playing with other people's feelings, it's much more complex than that!! _


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